Agent Triple P spends a lot of his time flying around the world (or, more accurately at present he spends a lot of his time trying to avoid flying around the world) which is a problem as he hates flying. Not just finds it all a bit inconvenient and tiring. Hates it! We are terrified for almost every minute we are inside these hideous, claustrophobic tubes.
We hate taking off ("Oh. it's the most exciting bit!" says our particular friend S from Vancouver - no it's not it's the bit when you are most likely to drop out the air and crash in flames), we hate landing but most of all we hate turbulence. We grab the seat in front of us in terror.The amount of turbulence you experience in planes has gone up enormously since Triple P was travelling a lot in the eighties and nineties. Turbulence then was a rare occurrence. Now it seems to be the norm. We hate it! We think that either the wings are going to fall off due to chronic metal fatigue or that without lift under the wings the plane will just drop. Turbulence is a sign that the magic that keeps aeroplanes in the air is wearing thin. Soon there won't be enough magic to go around (a weakening in the Force) and planes will all start to drop out of the air.
This brings us on to airline safety videos. We are currently reading the amusing confessions of a couple of air hostesses and one of the (many) things that annoys them about passengers is the fact that they don't concentrate on safety briefings. It seems that the greater part of air hostess training is not taken up with things like learning how to pour tea on the move but with safety training. Ignoring this, because you have seen it all before, really gets to them, therefore. On British Airways, which is the airline Triple P uses most, they have a strange animated video giving all the safety features of the aircraft and what to do in an emergency. We must have seen this hundreds of times now but it's the cast of typical passengers that gets to us.
First up we have mop-haired boy. Well, we assume it's a boy. He is excitedly looking out of the window of the terminal with his toy rabbit, which he then stupidly drops, only to have an impossibly glamorous BA air hostess recover it for him. Now some airlines are famous for their attractive cabin crew but BA isn't one of them. We have, perhaps, seen two who are what we would describe as world class in thirty years of business travel. We have seen twice that in a single Air China first class cabin.
Anyway, our next cast member is international business man. Or is he? We think he looks exactly like Fred Astaire so, as far as we are concerened he is international dancing star.
Next up it's the most notable passengers. Yes, it's the lesbian fashion bloggers. or, at least, that's what they look like to Triple P. In the animation they are always eyeing each other up: this can't be an accident - they are just so gay!
Here impossibly glamorous stewardess points out that the Club Class toilets are free if they want to go inside and have a quick snog. They're both eyeing her up now and wishing the loo was big enough for a Sapphic threesome.
Here they are dreaming of getting down to it properly when they get to New York. We find these two characters strangely fascinating and someone really needs to produce a Hentai-style cartoon of what they get up to in their hotel room after they land - ideally involving the stewardess.
Finally, we discover that mop-haired boy is part of a family (where were you when he dropped his rabbit, eh?). Not just any family, though, it's politically correct family. Good grief they've even included a redhead! It doesn't matter, though, because the cabin pressure has dropped and you're all going to die!